Snapshot of the "perfectly normal" secret

I'm perfectly normal.  I just have a secret side to me.  Everyone does.  Who does'nt have their quirks, their ups, their downs; each their own silliness to shrug off?

If you live in Grapevine, Texas, I'm your friendly neighborhood cashier at Walgreens.  Every day I do my best to smile and welcome the people who come through the door, and I enjoy the interactions I have with them no matter how mundane.

Sometimes, however, I have a bad day when my thoughts get a little wayward.  Oh it used to be much worse than it is now.  I used to believe and accept that the thoughts I had were true, and those false truths defined me for quite some time in my life.

I constantly overheard what I thought were the feelings of others towards me, bits of conversations I heard became clear in my mind as utterances of dislike, and it drove a wedge between myself and everyone else.  For awhile I accepted it, but not anymore.

When I was younger, I felt unloved but I did not understand why.  The feelings of rejections imbedded themselves subconsciously from things I overheard or read in others' body language.  Now I notice when I overhear something, and I get feedback about it either from the person who I thought said it (if I feel comfortable with them), or with my husband later on.  When I started doing this, I found out that I was overhearing a lot of the wrong things.

In Proverbs it says to avoid overhearing conversations not meant for your ears because you may hear someone laughing at you...  and you too may have laughed at another.  That does not mean it is our final opinion of the person.

     

The Rose That Helped me Smell the Flowers

A Rose sprung up at my workplace who was quite nice.  Ironically, the first thing I felt was the thorn.  Ouch! That hurt. This Rose must've thought me quite nasty as I quickly dropped her to the floor.  However, a funny thing came about.  When she hit the floor she looked up at me and smiled.  Soon,  I was smiling back.  And then as I worked with her I developed a relationship with this flower.  This Rose found out more about me and began reflecting back to me parts of myself, good stuff I did not realize or thought wrong to advertise.  This Rose is part of the reason I also blossomed and became a flower.  I became a Violet.  

As a Violet, I attracted the bees just like she did, and one day a bee picked me up and swept me away where I landed in another state.  The Rose tried to keep in touch but the violet was preoccupied w her new life.  One day I called and didnt get a response. I tried to find her in my facebook friends but alas she was no longer there.  The worst part is this Violet could probably find her if she remembered her last name.  And so she learned sometimes last names are important too.

And so Rose of Walgreens in Eagle Rock, this blog is for you and I hope and pray you find this when you need it.

I dont know where you are, but you are special--God has used you to bless me as I pray I am passing blessings along to others. 

Man of my dreams: our relationship and how it changed me

When I married the man of my dreams, I just knew he was the one for me.  How did I know?  Well, I wrote a list of qualities I wanted in a man, but it took me time to grow enough to be ready to find him and to get to know the things that mattered.  That's why I waited until I was 30 to marry.  But how did I know so quick?  I met and married him in a year.  

 Well, I dated a couple of guys before that, but it was him that I finally opened up to, and it was him who challenged me mentally, stretching me spiritually as well.  Not only that, He made me feel accepted.  He noticed me right away, and he made me feel special instantly.  Admittedly I was a bit uncomfortable when he first asked me out, but I felt I could say yes after having a car ride with him in which I found out he also had an Assembly of God background like me.  He also had been stretched beyond the denominational boundary-line like me.   

He was definitely worth checking out, and who was I to argue?  Hence our relationship began and blossomed to marriage and now what it is today.  My man came at the right time for me, for I was beginning to have to say no to men I knew were not quite right for me.  That was the hardest thing for me to do, since I loved the attention. 

For the first couple years of our marriage, I always craved his attention, and I may have demanded a bit much of him--but he gave me what he could, and I knew he loved me.  He brought healing to my emotions, sometimes taking the time to do some deep level therapy with me. 

With the birth of my new baby girl, I realized life would never be the same.  At first it was difficult to give most of my attention to my baby girl and let my husband sleep in his "off" hours.  But then one day my husband said something that caught my attention.  I had just had a kind of embarrassing fight with him in front of family.  He told me that night that I was being selfish.  He said it not to hurt me, but to help me.  And help me it did, though I grieved for several days, begging God's forgiveness and help.  

 And so began the Spiritual renewal that has brought me to change my attitude in life and work.  I told Jesus He could go ahead and be my boss whether I'm working or at home.  And I meant it now, because I knew what it meant.  I had often told Jesus, I would "let" Him be my Lord... What I did not realize is that He is Lord of all whether any of us "let" Him or not.  With this recognition came peace and a change of heart, and I keep claiming and praying for His reign to be realized on earth--as I know He has all the answers, and His ways are above all. 

As a woman of God, I do my best to submit to my husband, even when I think He is wrong.  I still have to work on some things.  And it does not mean I am not assertive when I feel the need.  As long as my husband can come to agreement with me or at least agree to disagree, I can do what I feel is best.  We are a good team!

Check out this article on relationships: http://www.examiner.com/article/emotional-and-physical-intimacy-relationship-advice-from-ephesians-2-14

Walgreens, Thank you.

Walgreens impressed in me a growing attitude of appreciation for people—coworkers, customers, and friends.  They’re all people, unique with sometimes delicious surprises for conversation. – Rachel Marocco.

When I began work at Walgreens in Minneapolis in 1999, I encountered many people different in backgrounds, nationalities, languages, and races.  At first, I was scared stiff of all of them.  It was even hard to concentrate at the register.  But as I continued working, the first thing that struck me is the empathy of my customers.  There were many awkward encounters and customers who were rough with me partly because I messed up sometimes but some of them really expected a lot and took it for granted that I would give it to them—for instance it was there that I learned to always get the coupon out for the customer—people appreciated it, but if I forgot a few took offense.  However when such things happened most other customers would say the most wonderful things to make me feel better.

Needless to say I only continued to improve on the job when I moved to the Walgreens in Eagle Rock, CA.  It was there that I found inner strength to deal when customers were displeased at first—and it even seemed I could pull them over to see the good.  Some of those people became my regular customers, my friends. 

Then when I moved to the Grapevine Walgreens, I pushed myself hard to get better at all the skills an associate could possibly do, and I am still working on those skills there.  I was thrilled to learn of the program that puts me in the employee of the month position when customers give me a nine for service.   Its great that there’s a way for me to be rewarded for the friendliness and help I already love to give customers just because they are people too, and deserve it. 

I also like the new Loyalty Rewards Card Walgreens is doing partly because now when people scan their card I can learn their name, and if they do come more regularly, my hope would be that I could remember and call them by name, for they are people in my neighborhood.  That, and the great deals that I and my customers can get--especially the extra dollars off=free stuff!  I love the way Walgreens is rewarding their regular customers with these extra bonuses.

Now I am thinking of fun ways I can become a better contributor to Walgreens.  One person complained to me once about the new CEO in charge of Walgreens; and as I mulled it over, I had the thought—well he is competitive, diplomatic, and shrewd, and looks like he’s a risk taker too.  Sounds like someone who may very well be good for the company.  Plus as I see the new things coming out of Walgreens for employees, such as the Life and Work Counseling department to help employees with issues ranging from financial to more personal items included in the life and work balance; I’d say Walgreens is already cutting edge, so I am proud to be a part of it.

Walgreens part one, Thank you Minneapolis!

Thank you Walgreens 

Reminder to Minneapolis, your names are all pseudonymns!  Thanks.  You know who you are.

Just a quick summary should wrap it up: a song will do.  I sing this to the tune of "Thank you for giving to the Lord" Check google for the tune to the chorus and maybe you can hear it.  "Th--a--nk  you for being who you are.  I am a life that was saved.  Th--a--nk you for being who you are.  I am so glad you gave."  Now change the tune to "Mary had a little lamb."  "You g-a-ve of your time each  day, smiled each day, talked each day.  You showed your care in your own way 'til I found out I was cool.  Mr. Landing, thank you for all your concern for me.  Amanda, Tianna, Russel, Rosanne, Loren, Scar, Saint (St).  Kristin and Josh thank you for your cheerful outlooks, smiles, and  paying attention to me.  This next verse is also for you especially.  "You taught me how to laugh and play, laugh and play, laugh and play.  You taught me how to laugh and play, while working it was cool!  Thanks especially to Julie .J.  You all Rock!!!! 

The cripple at the pool

He sits waiting. Leaning on his arms, he watches the water. He knows it will stir soon. It always does about now. Not that it makes much difference. Still, he sighs, its a nice game to keep his thoughts at rest. He's not the only one focusing on the water. Yet, he feels that really he is the only one there. He likes it this way. All is still and peaceful, yet full of energy as all are tuning in to the pool of water. Soon, he knows, the moment will again be gone. For afterward, life will return to normal and the gathering crowd will disperse trying to avoid the beggars.

Maybe this time ... he scans the patio with flickering eyes, glancing at the people present just enough to see their readiness. O yes, this time he knows who will win. For Zachary has a friend today. He does not remember seeing this friend of Zachary's until now. Maybe he usually dozes when the guy comes around. There he is now pulling Zachary close to the water's edge, even laying a hand on him as if to give him a push! However, if Zachary is going to get what he wants, he will have to shove himself into the water. If he doesn't, the water has no effect.

No, today will be like any other day. Someone else will win. As usual. For he is at least two feet away. He is making progress though. Last week he was four feet away, and the week before that he was sleeping when it happened. Yet, someone else will always be ahead no matter how far he goes. For, unlike Zachary, he has no friends to carry him to the water's edge. No, his only friends are people like him. Cripples.

He glances at his buddy Josiah and sees his arms extended to the pool with his hands gripping the ledge, ready to push off at any moment. Good for him. Yet, he knows it is Zachary who will win. Any one who has someone to help them always wins. Unless that friend does too much for their disabled buddy. People have learned the hard way that they must take the last step on their own. Otherwise their friend has to rescue them from the waters, lest they drown.

He feels the tension in the air. Quickly he focuses on the water as he hears the faintest whisper. There is no breeze. For a split second, everyone just keeps staring. Suddenly Zachary is in the water shouting hallelujah and rescuing Josiah at the same time. Poor Josiah. Through out the patio, a collective sigh comes forth as the cripples turn to the crowd to beg.

Well, that's that. He is about to beg when a young man out of the crowd walks right up to him. Thinking that he will give him money, he holds out his hand. Instead, the young man says, "Look at me." "Do you want to get well?" Of course he does, he nods.
"Look at me and see.  See the light that has so long alluded you.  Look I am here.  My hand is reaching out to you.  But now you must take it, for now it is your moment, your time to rise up.  Rise and shine for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you." 

He takes it, and is strengthened.  He stands, walks, jumps, runs.  He shouts.  Glory halelujah the Lord has healed me in and out!

Growing up at Walgreens, part one

Introduction: All day to write for 3 minutes to read!

The first thing you should know about me is that I appreciate you.  I have created this blog to be read by you and I appreciate your time.  If I know you, you may be mentioned here or in subsequent blogs under a pseudoname.  Comment if you want me to put your real name in.  Only in positive and appreciative ways, if I write your whole name.  Let me know if you do or do not want me to use your whole name in this or future blogs.  Also if I ever have anything negative to say, I will not use your real name and I will only do it with a very good reason.  I have tried to make it as easy as possible for you to read this in your spare moments.  You are important to me, and I hope you will enjoy my stories here.  The number listed on each heading is the amount of minutes it will take you to read it.  The items highlighted in yellow is where I am waiting for someone to give me clarification--if you know the answer, please comment.  Items you might find funny are written in red. 

Minneapolis, Minnesota(1)

So many changes here.  Where to begin....  First things first. 

 Why Walgreens? (1)

Well I never thought of myself working retail.  I had already tried it once at Paper Depot ( a cool arts store full of paper, stamps, and tons of other crafty stuff--they even have workshops for doing crafts together).  Not that I didn't like working there, but there-- I never worked the register because I did not ever master memorizing the right buttons to push for all different products.  And there, I did not like helping customers; in fact, my instinct was to avoid looking at them and all I wanted to do was hide in the stock room decorating and organizing the containers of supplies back there.  So why on earth would I ever want to even apply to work at Walgreens?

Turns out my job was ending at Paper Depot and my other boss at Brookdale Christian Center preschool could not give me more hours and it was too hard for me to get there while living on campus at North Central University.  So being at Bible College, I did the right thing.  I prayed about it.  All that happened was I got a picture in my mind of a bottle of foundation.  Now I did not wear make-up at the time, but I had just been on a walk the previous day to go to Walgreens downtown with a few friends.  (Can anyone tell me which friends they were?) We bought one thing there that I can recall-- a bottle of foundation.  Hence I walked to Walgreens the next day and asked to apply.  The manager, Mr. Lottman handed me a paper application which I promptly filled out in his office.  He read it, and interviewed me.  Then he replied, "You go to North Central University?  You're hired."  I may have even started the next day.

 I only worked a few hours each day maybe about three days a week or more when I could.  They closed at 6; we got off at 6 or 7.  My job:  Straighten the store.  At the time I did not even know the term "face."  But it was there I learned to pull everything from the back to the front thanks to a nice coworker named Rashad (I think, help with name someone?) I admit though that I did not always pull from front to back especially when I had other tasks added on as I continued to work there (Some of those shelves were made for elves). 

Appreciation for Minneapolis Walgreens (0)

Well it's about people.  I couldn't have done it without my manager; Mr. Landing, and managers; Saint, Josh, etc, and coworkers, Tianna, Rosanne, Russel,  Shannon, Sandy, Loren, Kristen, Scar (is that the name of that laughing hyena on lion king?)  (hey guys its been awhile, give me a break and help me out with the others--send me an email on facebook and I'll then give them a pseudonymn too!).  I gotta love those breaks--perfect get away from you know who... Always needed MORE than my share.  Thank you everyone I just mentioned and those I will mention--you always managed to cover the slack when I took way more than I should have.  My defense:  I was a huge fan of space back then.  A frelling space cadet, yeah, but not sci-fi like until now if you know what I mean.  LOL.  Didn't know what that meant then either.  Laugh out loud, who knew?  No one.  Geez it was still the 90's.  Didn't I tell you to give me a break?  What the frell?

Warning: Comedy on growth--Not ALL about You Walgreens! (1)

Understand that when I began at walgreens, it was a Girl Meets World rerun except not a rerun for me (I loved that show!). I grew up conservatively Christian, republican, tame, tender as the meaning of my name Rachel Finkenbinder (Lamb Birdwatcher)--Can one be a tame, tender politician these days?

Geez you'd think that to be president, you'd have to be mature and intelligent, but no... I guess these days you just have to win the name calling contest--you know what they say, "the meaner, the wiiiiinner" ok thats enough name calling for me!  For shame! Yes I confess.  I wasnt into politics until I started watching the daily show. 

Yep, thats what the world at Walgreens did to me--sorry mom--it taught me how to laugh!  Really it took all three Walgreens plus God in my journey to finally get me to laugh out loud at the awkward and especially taboo topics-- (or maybe I was always constipated before that)-- yes God!  A word for my mom here--chill!--means relax--the reason it is funny is because it is not an easy public subject or awkward;  maybe we need our comedians to help us see how good and fun sex is!  Most adults know sex is for committed relationships.  You do, so why not find it funny?  We're not children anymore...  Cuz sex is hilarious! enough said for now...

Wow, wonder what Rachel Marocco means?  Google says I'm a country and my name is spelled wrong.  It means "Land of God" (top website of "meaning of name, Marocco" was wikipidia on Morocco).  So in essence I am "Lamb, land of God"  Thanks God!  Confirmed; I'll take it, amen! (so be it.)  But I digress.

Back to thanking Walgreens (1)

Just a quick summary should wrap it up: a song will do.  I sing this to the tune of "Thank you for giving to the Lord" Check google for the tune to the chorus and maybe you can hear it.  "Th--a--nk  you for being who you are.  I am a life that was saved.  Th--a--nk you for being who you are.  I am so glad you gave."  Now change the tune to "Mary had a little lamb."  "You g-a-ve of your time each  day, smiled each day, talked each day.  You showed your care in your own way 'til I found out I was cool.  Mr. Landing, thank you for all your concern for me.  Tianna, Russel, Rosanne, Loren, Scar, Saint (St).  Kristin and Josh thank you for your cheerful outlooks, smiles, and  paying attention to me.  This next verse is also for you especially.  "You taught me how to laugh and play, laugh and play, laugh and play.  You taught me how to laugh and play, while working it was cool!  Thanks especially to Julie .J.  You all Rock!!!! 

Loving others more.

On Valentines day, I tried to see what was on the net about love. I just typed in love or what is love? I wanted to see what the WWW community knew of love. I got a bunch of random sites on dating and even astrology type links, nothing like what I was looking for. However today I typed Loving others more in the search engine, and was pleasantly surprised about the number of things genuinely about loving others more. I was actually looking to find the blog address for the blog on Loving Others More, and I didn't see it among the list because there was so many. I even found an article about love in the Muslim faith even where it mentions Christians and their Bible as one of defining love for God and others. Anyways I am following the blog "Loving others more." and I hope more will join me in this. Take a look at what others are saying about loving others more on the world wide web.

A Dreamer's Light: A Prophetic Poem

September/November 2007 Word of the Lord


A Dreamer’s Light

A prophetic poem for the church of Christ

Matthew 6:22-23 "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

“Your eye is the light of your life, if your eye is filled with darkness, then where is your light?”

Light of my eye, the apple in the sky

Dreamers dream, things aren’t what they seem.

Pudding and cream are a delight

But jewels too are a pretty sight.

Lovely are they,

Still

They do make one bite seem larger than life.



Things thrown up in the air

Shows a person that doesn’t care

That good things can come

Though all’s not fairly done.



Did I help you to see what’s above comes from me,

And no matter how far I take you, you are

Precious in my sight, a wholesome delight,

And if anybody doesn’t see, they may fall not of Me.

I hold them in the womb though theirs’ is a messy room.



Candles by their flames are known to be they

Jokesters all know who follow each way.

Your journey is not over, there’s much more come your way.

Still you’re undone I hope this day.



Do you understand I am the Potter’s hand?

I make you the way you’re supposed to obey.

So but then if you wallow you won’t have to swallow

Just what I’m trying to say.



I’m going to show you another option.

This what I tell you should be your caption.

No matter how much you try

You cannot make yourself die.

So leave it to me, and wait and see

Just what will come and who will be.



All is mine and all I control

So don’t be so blind as to flaunt your soul.

Nothing is too difficult for me,

Nothing needs baring that I can’t see.

I want healing to flow so give us a go

To straighten your sight.

Relationship advice from Ephesians

When the Lord says that husband and wife are one flesh, he is referring to a unity not unlike what He wants for the body of Christ. Just as we are one in Christ, so man and wife is one in each other. Ephesians 2:14 describes what this unity means.

“For He Himself is our peace, who has made the two one, and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in His flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in Himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. Peace to you who were far and peace to you who are near. For through Him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit. No longer foreigners or strangers but fellow citizens with God’s people and also members of His household. “

When husband and wife are one, the dividing walls have come down. They do not hide anything from each other. They are completely open with one another and they share out of their hearts with each other. Just as they accept themselves, so do they accept one another, hearing each other without judgment. They share what they feel in an environment of complete love and acceptance. This is what it means to have no walls. Being one with each other becomes the equivalent of being one with themselves. Their comfort levels with one another exceed 100%.

And so ladies and gentlemen, here is a clue to whether you are in the right relationship. Are you comfortable with one another? Can you imagine yourself being one within your current relationship? Is there anything keeping you from one another right now? If there is, can you discuss it? If you feel you are with one whom you could be comfortable with but you are not completely comfortable with him yet, then examine your relationship before continuing. Think about how long you have been dating. Has it been three months or more? How much time have you spent with this person over the course of your relationship? Now check out your comfort level. If you have spent a lot of time with this person, but you still feel blocked from sharing your true feelings, then ask yourself why. Have you tried to share parts of yourself only to feel rejected? Has your partner been sensitive to your sharing? How open has your partner been with you? Do you share equally with one another?

Now if upon examining your relationship, you have discovered that you are not yet that intimate with each other, that does not mean you need to break up. However, it does mean to be careful. Now check up on your physical intimacy. If you find you are more intimate physically then you are emotionally, then its time to put on the breaks. It is a risky business to be intimate with someone. If you do not feel comfortable emotionally, but are extremely physical, then you are only harming yourself. Physical closeness can and will happen naturally as you get close to someone emotionally. However, a physical closeness that bypasses emotional closeness will establish bonds between you that you are not ready for. For if you are not emotionally close to your partner, then you must realize that this may not be your soul mate or the one with whom you will be the most fulfilled.

Now of course, the more time you spend with someone, the more natural physical affection will be—however emotional affection should also increase at the same rate. If you find yourself at the point where physical intimacy goes beyond emotional intimacy, then examine yourself and your relationship further. How has this happened? Is there an emotional immaturity in you that has hindered you from sharing your emotions or has made you need physical closeness too quickly? Are you ready to share emotionally to the extent that you share physically? Can you see yourself as one with this person, as someone with whom you can be completely open and feel accepted no matter what? If you are truly serious about your relationship, you should discuss these things with your partner. Or at least try opening up some more—be honest with him or her about an issue or feeling you have kept private. How does his or her response make you feel? Can you tell him or her how you felt? Do you feel better after talking it over with him or her? If so, then you are on your way to a closer, more fulfilling relationship. This may be one with whom you can spend the rest of your life.

Ephesians 2:14 also gives us a clue to how physical our affection should be at times. This scripture says that the closer we are to each other, the less important rules become. For when we are one, we do not follow rules, we only follow love. Therefore ladies and gentlemen, the closer you are emotionally, the more natural it is to be close physically. If there is a rule for physical closeness, then it is this: It comes out of love. In pure closeness, the walls have come down—if one partner has a qualm, the other partner listens and they talk about it. When you have doubts about your closeness, but keep your mouth shut, you jeopardize true closeness. However, if you can stop and talk about it, a real closeness will develop if both partners respond with love to one another. If you talk about it and feel better, then what follows is much more fulfilling. Yet if you talk about it and one or the other partner is not satisfied, feels unheard, or feels rejected, then its best to back off physically until you can both feel good about how close you are. Physical closeness is meant to complement and add to your emotional closeness. They go hand in hand, and if one is missing; then you are hurting your relationship.

Now I speak to responsible people who know what to retain for marriage. Yet even that is up to you together. However as responsible people, you will know yourself and not go further than you can handle. Yet I cannot emphasize enough… PHYSCIAL CLOSENESS MUST NOT EXCEED EMOTIONAL CLOSENESS. Please keep caution if you do not feel sure enough that this is one you will marry. Keep caution emotionally as well as physically. For the closer you get to someone, the harder a break up will be. However, if you already know this is not the one, then the quicker you break up with them, the sooner you will get over them and you will be even closer to finding the one for you. Yet, you will need time to heal. I strongly suggest not remaining friends with one with whom you separated. At least, take a long break until you are completely healed and at one with the break up. The exception would be if you both feel that you just need time away, but you strongly feel will both be back together. If this is not a mutual feeling, beware!

Yet I say to you all, nothing is a waste. Everything in life is a chance to learn and prepare for God’s best. If you find yourself in constant breakups or constant pain in relationships, I highly advise you to find some way to gain healing for yourself. A person who is most at one with themselves is the most likely to find the one with whom they will be the most fulfilled. This person will also be most fulfilled in life no matter the circumstances. Healing comes through time with God, counsel, spiritual books, and asking for the Holy Spirit to help you. Listen to God who wants your best and loves you no matter where you are in life!

What is true forgiveness?

Forgiveness. When is it true? When do we know we have forgiven someone of their wrongs? Is it when it no longer hurts? Is it when we can relate to the one who wronged us without feeling resentment or bitterness. Is it when we can relate to one who wronged us without getting into a fight or without feeling extra sensitive?

Is forgiveness a one time affair or a process? Can we accomplish it with the words, "I forgive you." Can we accomplish it with merely the willingness to forgive? What about the willingness to be willing to forgive?

Forgiveness may come easy when a person confesses with true contriteness of heart and acknowledges how much they have wronged you. But what about when they do not ever acknowledge how hurt you were, how unjust they were in how they treated you. Maybe they think it as a little thing they did, or maybe they do not think they did anything at all. Maybe they think you were the problem. Maybe they feel they have forgiven y0u, and the rest of your feelings are your problem. Is forgiveness easy then?

It is then that one must know, forgiveness is for yourself, not them. If you have any roots of unforgiveness in you towards anyone who has wronged you in your life, then that unforgiveness has a hold on you, and may be the cause of some of your problems or it may be poisoning your attitude in other areas of your life and taking away the full joy God means for you to have.

Sometimes, before we can forgive, we have to grieve. This grief is the very same that we would go through in such life events as losing someone. Sometimes we must grieve over lost closeness we had with the one who wronged us. We may also grieve over the pain that has caused us to suffer for any number of years. We may grieve over loss of joy in our lives, the pain that has held us back in life, that has kept us down. We are grieving over unforgiveness itself. And we may find we must forgive the other person, and also ourselves to go on.

Part of forgiving is being aware of where we are in the grief and forgiveness process. In grief, the stages are as follows: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

The road to forgiveness then follows the stages of grief.
1. Denial--
In denial we are not even aware of the need to forgive. It hurts to acknowledge that we are hurt. So we ignore any kind of pain we may have been feeling. We push it down. We may blame ourselves for any pain we feel, telling ourselves that everything was our fault and so we take full responsibility denying that the other person played any part in our pain.
2. Anger--
In this stage, we realize we have been hurt. We become angry at the other person. We want justice. We may try to get revenge. We turn away from them, ignoring them, or build walls to keep them out of our lives and hearts.
3. Bargaining--
In this stage, we want them back yet we want them to acknowledge their wrong. We probably will try to bring up the incident from the past in an effort to get them to apologize or at least admit their wrong doing. We feel that if they acknowledged it, then we could forgive them. It is our attempt to let go of our bitterness that keeps us bringing up the past continually, demanding apologies and acknowledgment. We also think that maybe if we explain it right or do something a little differently in our relationship with the person, that then they will acknowledge it--then we will at last be set free.
4. Depression--
In this stage, we give up on them ever acknowledging they did anything wrong. We feel that we will never have a real relationship with them, and we feel numb around them and when we think of them. We tell ourselves we don't really care if we ever have a "real" relationship with that person.
5. Acceptance--
At this stage, we finally come to terms with what happened. We grieve our loss of joy, and then realize that we must move on with our lives. We then accept the other person and our relationship with them as it is. For then we find that the answer to how to forgive is within us, not in the other. If we have been separated from the other, we may call for a natural conversation -- not out of a desire to change anything, but out of normal interest in the person. We recognize that our relationship may not be the same as it once was or as we wish it would be, yet we are at one with it, content to let the relationship be as it is. We let go of any hard feelings and enjoy whatever happens now-- for now a page has been turned, and we start afresh. This means we do not push the other person for a closeness that does not exist; we do not envy their friends and we relax. We just let whatever happens to happen.

I do not mean one should stay in a painful relationship. If a person continues to hurt us, naturally we will keep up the walls in our hearts. Yet we can forgive them by accepting that the person is the way they are, and if they are family we learn ways to love them regardless of how they treat us. We do this by having confidence in ourselves and knowing that what the other says and does does not matter to us since they are in the wrong. If we can be certain of ourselves, then we do not believe any barbs that come our way. If they are abusive, we get out of the situation unless they are getting help and are getting better. If a friend keeps hurting us, naturally we will stop being their friend. Yet we can still forgive in our hearts, and we know we have done this when we can think of the other person without bitterness or reliving the hurtful past. Yet forgiveness is a process, and sometimes we think we have forgiven someone, only to have something remind us of the pain. It is then that we must choose not to dwell on it and forgive yet again, refusing to allow bitterness to creep up in our hearts.
Now if the person continues to hurt us, then naturally we will keep walls around our hearts protecting us. Nothing is wrong with this as long as we do not hold it against the other person but accept them as they are with the acknowledgment that they also have some pain in their lives which they project onto us.