See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

As its the Chinese new year today, I did just a little research on "year of the monkey."  I came across an article explaining some history of the "Monkey" deity.  One of the sayings connected to this deity is "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil."  This saying has negative and positive connotations depending on how you hear it.

Knowing that this phrase "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" means different things to different people, I suggest a positive meaning for myself and those like me who struggle with self conscious feelings and beliefs that people are constantly judging our actions.  Some of us have a hidden "audience" inside our heads that can even carry out to an outer "audience" where bits of things heard from others become whole phrases of indictment against us.

See no evil---

Not seeing.  Blind.  "Seeing" evil refers to our own tendencies to "see"  the bad in others--this tempting us to criticize, judge, and gossip.  I for one have been guilty of relishing juicy bits of gossip--it gives me a feeling of pride because of course I "am not like that" and so and so deserves this or that.  "Seeing no evil" means that we are blind to the faults of others.  If we notice we graciously do not hold it against them.  Ever heard the phrase, "Love is blind?"

Hear no evil--

This phrase is not just about refusing to listen to gossip, its also about not "hearing" others gossip about us.  This has special meaning to me this new year, because last year I became aware that my brain desired to hear words of rejection and disapproval all the time--and often it would finish bits and pieces of sentences I heard  as negative about me.  If I was feeling positive, I heard a lot of enthusiasm from others (about me I thought).  Those days my actions and words were confident. Sometimes negative words also motivated me to be better and "prove them wrong."  By the end of the year and after much discussion with my husband and self observation, I realized my brain was making most if not all of it up.    Then again even if some of the words and rumors are real, it is not worth my wasting energy on it or taking words said personally.  Remember the scriptures that say, Love is "believing the best?"

Speak no evil--

Some of us are passive-aggressive in our anger...  I myself also have this tendency.  Passivity in our aggression means that we hold grudges in our heart about past grievances that resurface in current arguments but especially it shows up in our conversations with others.  We say bad things about the other, even subtly, out of bitterness.  "Speak no evil" means we check ourselves before throwing bad light on the other in public or with our friends and acquaintances.  It also means recognizing that bitterness and having an honest, enlightening conversation with the other, and avoiding the blame game.  The proverbial saying here is "Love is not provoked" and "love keeps no record of wrongs."

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Happy Chinese New Year!

A journal entry of muses on a shifting identity

If I am a writer, why is my mind so blank?  Why do I not write every day or even keep up weekly?  Many have said I am great with words and I do have a book to write in mind.  In fact, that would be my main project, if I could just keep up.

There is so much on my plate...

Finally the realization has hit...  that career is not so important, even a writing one-- nor am I anywhere close to such.

Still there is a message to get out, a book to write.

Thinking I could make money, distractions have arisen--such as trying to fit writing to pay.
Yet after trying one, even that has failed to motivate me to continue...

Maybe if there was not so much to do...

Now with a new baby, the reminder has come--primarily, I am a mom and a house wife,
even though I do have a day job...

then that has always been secondary, except as a way to improve the self through such good values as the workplace teaches, especially one working with people... you begin to see where you are lacking-- eyes opening to those things that have affected interactions with others for decades.

I don't know why I was blind to it so long, except that I had been so wrapped up in self needs and emotions, only seeing inside,unable to see others struggles--not saying thats good or bad.  It was time to heal.

Its still a process.  Sometimes I don't get it or others.  Sometimes I do what people want only to find out they didn't want it.  Still this happens to the best of us.  I've learned to give out grace freely to others and to myself.  Sometimes every bible character is like me... or I feel like it... if you know even Jesus' lineage, you know what I mean.

Anyhow, now mom of 2...

Now learning to hold the bottle with my chin, typing with one finger. It does give me more time to think as I type.

Figuring I better clean the minute I can and not skip a day especially in the kitchen, making sure we do not run out of bottles or counter space or sink space.

Also consciously I must spend time with my 3 year old daughter and keep up with her training, lessening tantrums and regression-- this is the hardest.

Balancing sleep and feeding duties, grateful for hubby's help-- I need to make sure we both get enough sleep.

And so I have come to realize family is my first and greatest priority, and writing is a hobby not a career aspiration for now...

However as a hobby I intend to improve and excel in it and find my niche.  Besides I am getting better at typing with one finger.

And yet although writing is what I am best at now, there are quite a few things I would like to try.

As family is my priority, crafting and art is a great area to dabble in with my three year old.

Writing I can do while holding my infant son, crafting and art for quality time with my daughter.

And so that is why my identity has shifted from career mom who tries to keep family and house in mind to hobby mom and intentional improvement and ownership of household--upkeep and family.

Now I do not look towards moving up in any career only content to stay at a day job that I do enjoy but will not stress myself to move upward--also currently to do so would only be detrimental, as I am more blessed as I am.   

That's where I'm at now and content in this identity.

Still I will be exploring career type stuff with the ultimate goal to learn skills for promoting a product/s of my own that could become lucrative, but that is currently on hold.

Those who care to pray may pray I get used to the work life balance as I go back to work next week after maternity leave,

Thank you and be blessed!



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