The glasses are rose tinted again

Perspective . . . It changes everything.

One day is cloudy, one is sunny.
One is sad, or one is glad.
One is filled with hurt,
One has the warm fuzzies.

One day, I had a nightmare come true.  And a living nightmare it was because it was all in my mind.  Very little of it was true though it was related to what I heard.  I thought I heard people conspiring against me.  Whether they were trying to get ahead on the job, or win a contest that never seemed to end, I did not know.  Yet the thought got so big in my head, I began feeling my life was in danger--that whatever "they" were after, it was worth killing for.  At least that day, I felt I had a friend helping me out, although at times I thought he was playing double agent--saying things that he wanted me to do without letting on to the "other" that he felt I should do that.  Even now I feel he may have really been trying to help me out sensing I needed it that day.  That was not the scariest part though.

The scariest part was when I started thinking that some people could read my mind, and I theirs.  Not only that but I thought some bad characters could also read my mind and I could not figure who was bad or good.  So then I tried to change my thoughts to distract and confuse them.  

Looking back on that day, I am amazed!  I mean I rang up people that whole time maintaining a pretty straight face, though I probably coughed at odd moments.  I even managed a very complicated return with a difficult lady who was very particular about 30 cents and seemed surprised that she did not get more back.  Then she wanted to fix another item with a price difference of about 20 cents.  I went and checked the price--my one mistake--and then did the return for her.  At the end she still questioned me, and I showed her each part of it and how accurate it was.  Finally I got a bit brisk at the end, but she left as satisfied as I could get her.

Actually that ordeal helped me to concentrate and kept my mind off of my strange thoughts.  Still, I am quite amazed at myself.  I do not think many customers even knew I was anything but tired or sick.  I still do not know how much was evident to my coworkers.

However I thought this line of thinking had passed from me when I got home that day, and I slept all night in peace and got up to go to work Saturday morning feeling fine.  However I got triggered again that morning and had many strange thoughts both at work and then at home even about my family and God.

Thankfully my psychiatrist appointment was Monday--divine timing.  Then the next weekend my husband was troubled about my high emotions, and we called about a med adjustment, and ever since then I feel positive and great.  Anxiety creeps in still but I am noticing it more, and that is in part due to my dear husband, Matthew.  I am so blessed to have him in my life--we've made it through a lot of stuff already in 5 years of marriage, and I am happy to say we are still in love.

See, now my glasses are once again rose tinted.  Now if it gets dark again, may I remind myself of the difference pure eyesight makes, and realize that some things plain just do not matter.

One more side note:  I do hate it when my emotions are blamed on medication side effects and my illness, however it has  become clear that the right medicine taken in the best way really optimizes mental and emotional health.  I do still have to decide to let things go though for my own sake, and I still must choose what to do when I feel anxiety rising.  Medicine does help, and it helps my judgment in making those decisions, but it does not solve every issue and emotional baggage automatically, yet its evident that medicine of the right sort still works miracles.  Its taken me a difficult year and a half to realize first that I had to change my medicine and then to get the right adjustment of dosage.  I feel I finally have the right psychiatrist and medicine dosage.