-- Your mom and dad begin yelling at you at the same time.
-- Your mother-in-law keeps insulting your cooking skills (or lack thereof).
-- Your children are all trying to get your attention at once.
-- You and your husband are having a screaming match and then you notice your 3-year-old rocking in the corner.
-- You are about to burst into tears but your two year old is looking at you.
-- You found out you won the lottery but you are in a busy line at Tom Thumb.
-- You are having an ecstatic night but your sister is in the next room (hehe).
-- Your sister is pushing buttons like she's trying to get a reaction from you.
When I first moved to California, I had a friend who was extremely possessive. After awhile, we began to get into huge fights, screaming matches -- so much that our neighbor had to say something about us keeping it down. One day, I just realized I was done with her. And that's when I began to talk quietly in response to her screaming. It no longer mattered to me what she thought, and that's when I began to find the freedom to leave and be myself. If only I had figured out before how to quietly respond--our fights would not then have escalated. If I could have been sure of who I was without needing her approval of myself and everything I did or believed, maybe I could have kept her friendship. Maybe.
When we began snapping at each other, it might have helped me to freeze and think before reacting defensively to her. Sometimes it takes a realization, too, that people won't change because of you; not only that, they can't force you to change. So, yelling and snapping is basically a waste of breath.
Now I'm starting to realize that when someone is yelling or continually criticizing something about me, its because they want to control me and make me into the person they want or approve of. And here's the beauty of it-- they can't change me, they can only try. The only real change occurs with a self realization and a self choice. If we are going to make true choices that come from our real selves without doing it out of a sense of guilt or duty to manipulative relatives, friends, customers, bosses, or a certain kind of God (ahem), then when assaulted with such words/thoughts, its time to freeze.
Freeze
and think
What am I
feeling?
Why am I
feeling this way?
What is the root
issue of this feeling?
Who is trying
to speak
into my life?
Do I care
about this person?
Do they care
about me?
How can I
respond calmly
without negating
who I am
and without
negating who
they are?
Imagine how many conflicts could be avoided, if we could all interrupt ourselves before the insults turn to yelling and the yelling to screaming? Just learn to freeze and think before reacting to a hurt feeling inside. Its not about ignoring the hurt or the other person. Its about thinking before responding--
thinking
about how to discuss
the issue bothering you,
thinking
about what the issue is
before reacting to
the little things
building in your heart,
thinking not stuffing,
thinking not erupting.
Sometimes we are so good at stuffing our emotions, and then one day we erupt.
That is the day
we need to run away
for awhile
and scream
at the air
in the middle of nowhere.
That is the day
we need to think
and pray
and sort out
our emotions.
That is the day
we need to examine
our hearts
and ask ourselves
what is really
wrong?
What is
bothering
me?
Then we'll be ready for our sister to come find us and we'll be able to come back with her without throwing an abominable snowman her way.
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