Frozen -- Freeze or run away and "Let it go."

You know its time to freeze if

-- Your mom and dad begin yelling at you at the same time.

-- Your mother-in-law keeps insulting your cooking skills (or lack thereof).

-- Your children are all trying to get your attention at once.

-- You and your husband are having a screaming match and then you notice your 3-year-old rocking in the corner.

-- You are about to burst into tears but your two year old is looking at you.

-- You found out you won the lottery but you are in a busy line at Tom Thumb.

-- You are having an ecstatic night but your sister is in the next room (hehe).

-- Your sister is pushing buttons like she's trying to get a reaction from you.

When I first moved to California, I had a friend who was extremely possessive.  After awhile, we began to get into huge fights, screaming matches -- so much that our neighbor had to say something about us keeping it down.  One day, I just realized I was done with her.  And that's when I began to talk quietly in response to her screaming.  It no longer mattered to me what she thought, and that's when I began to find the freedom to leave and be myself.  If only I had figured out before how to quietly respond--our fights would not then have escalated.  If I could have been sure of who I was without needing her approval of myself and everything I did or believed, maybe I could have kept her friendship.  Maybe.  

When we began snapping at each other, it might have helped me to freeze and think before reacting defensively to her.  Sometimes it takes a realization, too, that people won't change because of you; not only that, they can't force you to change.  So, yelling and snapping is basically a waste of breath.  

Now I'm starting to realize that when someone is yelling or continually criticizing something about me, its because they want to control me and make me into the person they want or approve of.  And here's the beauty of it-- they can't change me, they can only try.  The only real change occurs with a self realization and a self choice.  If we are going to make true choices that come from our real selves without doing it out of a sense of guilt or duty to manipulative relatives, friends, customers, bosses, or a certain kind of God (ahem), then when assaulted with such words/thoughts, its time to freeze.  

Freeze

and think

What am I 

feeling?

Why am I 

feeling this way?

What is the root

issue of this feeling?

Who is trying

to speak

into my life?

Do I care

about this person?

Do they care

about me?

How can I

respond calmly

without negating

who I am

and without

negating who

they are?

Imagine how many conflicts could be avoided, if we could all interrupt ourselves before the insults turn to yelling and the yelling to screaming?  Just learn to freeze and think before reacting to a hurt feeling inside.  Its not about ignoring the hurt or the other person.  Its about thinking before responding-- 

thinking 

about how to discuss 

the issue bothering you, 

thinking 

about what the issue is 

before reacting to 

the little things 

building in your heart, 

thinking not stuffing, 

thinking not erupting.

Sometimes we are so good at stuffing our emotions, and then one day we erupt.  

That is the day 

we need to run away 

for awhile 

and scream 

at the air 

in the middle of nowhere. 

That is the day

we need to think

and pray

and sort out

our emotions.

That is the day

we need to examine

our hearts

and ask ourselves

what is really

wrong?

What is 

bothering 

me?

Then we'll be ready for our sister to come find us and we'll be able to come back with her without throwing an abominable snowman her way. 

Loving without judging: cultivating acceptance

LOVE OUT OF SEASON

A rose out of season is still a rose.  Its easy to judge someone based on one “snapshot,” especially if it turns out badly.  Anyone can pose for a picture, but what happens when we make an impression without trying to?  

We go to a restaurant and the service is slow.  We think our server forgot about us because we sat outside.  We could be upset and raise our voices at the server, or we could look a little closer and try to find out why service is slow.  Maybe the restaurant is short staffed and unexpectedly busy that day.  At one restaurant, our family waited for an hour without getting food and we had checked several times.  Finally on the third try we found out our food had not gotten on the ticket for preparation.  The restaurant cashier felt so bad, she offered us a 25.00 gift card since we had already paid for the food.  We accepted.  Mistakes happen, and I still recommend that restaurant.  

LOVE THOSE WHO ARE DIFFERENT

We see a gay couple at church.  We can speculate and gossip or we can go greet them and talk to them.  One time while working at my Walgreens in Los Angeles, a man came in and asked about makeup.  I figured out he was gay and he told me he was getting makeup for a show.  I expressed genuine interest as I had no idea what he was talking about, and I learned something new.  Next time he came to the store, he asked for me to be the one to help him.  I know sometimes it can be easy to laugh at people behind their back, who are different from us, but that is not the way to learn and grow in life.

Love is about loving those who are different from us, not just those we think are like us.  And who’s to say if we are not really more like them than we know… or more different.   Who wants to be the same as everyone else anyways?  Life would be only black or only white or only brown or only purple (hehe).  One color -- how boring.  What is food without salt?  Where is the flavor of life if it all tastes the same?  Is not everyone truly unique?  

GOSSIP AND LAUGHTER: POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE

Our minds are prone to speculation.  We hear a couple yelling in public, and we think there must be abuse in the home, but maybe they are just opinionated and so engrossed in conversation that they don’t care what people around them are thinking.  Or maybe they are just having a bad day.  I used to have bad days in public.  I never did get self conscious at those times because I did not realize how loud I was and how obvious our fight was to anyone in the near vicinity.  And I just plain did not realize how little I cared then about the distress and awkwardness I was causing others.

That brings up a new point.  When we feel uncomfortable with a situation or a person or a different perspective or a way of living we are uninformed about or not used to, then its the natural reaction to turn to your friend and say something about it, and laugh or whatever.  Yes, I understand that.  I’ve done that many times.  Thats why, its ok.  Its ok to laugh with your friends when you are far enough away to not be heard--to ease the tension, to clear up your perhaps shared awkwardness.

Laughter is after all borne out of awkwardness.  So its not wrong to laugh and enjoy the awkwardness with a friend.  Still, if we are going to see this person again--like if they go to our small church or small group or live in our neighborhood, it might help to place ourselves in their shoes and give them the acceptance we would desire in their place.  Maybe us learning to laugh with them, not at them at least when we’re with the person would help.

We love to laugh in life, and laughter is not hate or dislike.  Its merely awkwardness.  This is a good reminder for us who are on the other side of the laughter, who feel like the outcast.  I’ve been in both places so I understand.  That’s why I can discuss this to both sides with candor.

CONCLUSION: ATTITUDE OF ACCEPTANCE

Cultivate an attitude of acceptance towards everyone around you.  This may mean just a smile in the direction of strangers as you walk by, or a greeting if they are not busy doing something like talking with a friend or texting (as we do nowadays).  Work on doing this unconditionally--meaning without getting hurt if there is no return response.  Recognize that some people are in their own world perhaps needing time to think while away from their normal busy routine, or perhaps they are very involved in conversation with friends, etc…  For we know that all of us have times like this when we are unresponsive to our neighbor’s greetings (neighbors being anyone in the vicinity of our presence).  So lets not hold grudges against anyone, especially strangers. (Laughable when put this way, is it not?)

Yes, lets laugh.  Laugh at ourselves, laugh with each other.  What good medicine, and how good at dissolving tension when we are laughing with our friends.  As for me, I’ll try not and hold it against you…  (Hehe).  

Stitches of a Scarlet Letter

Anyone ever feel disenfranchised, isolated, or judged by society?  Here's some food for thought.

Stitches of a Scarlet Letter

She is filled with so much love--

 that she is foolish.

She hears  sometimes,

but is sometimes deaf.

Sometimes she hears,

but comprehends not.

Sometimes she hears

but cares not.

Sometimes she hears,

but acts like the wall fly

hearing the buzz of the room,

but without any reaction.

Stolid soul taking it in 

like medicine 

that one is forced to swallow

without daring to utter

a voice of protest.

Instead her heart cries, Be


Still 

the longer she stays,

the more the voices

toy with her.

They begin making

foolish conjectures.

She hears lies all around--

she knows they are lies.

Yet she is


Still

each one adds 

another stitch

to the scarlet letter

forming on her heart.

She distracts herself.

She will not drink.

She cannot, will not


Think 

too long 

and too hard,

because to do so

only drives her further

into the depths

of despair--

a despair she

need not have,

a despair that she 

would not

could not 

have.  

How could she


Despair

the dream 

that has come 

true, 

just because 

part of the dream

seems a bygone.

Isn't it true,

that she has 

found the man

of her dreams

and yet

he's not 

as perfect

as she once 

thought.  

Yet he loves 

her--

Her whole family

loves her.

Yes why

despair . . . 

When she has

people who


Love

her,  she knows

what matters

is that those 

who know her

best

will always

love her

no matter 

what--

even when 

they do not

always approve

of her actions.

And lately 

if they knew

might be


Disapproving

herself,

perhaps it 

was her own

criticism 

she heard

from others'

lips.

Yet how then

could their

voices so clearly

ring out, 

but how often

could she imagine

that they were talking

about her.  

Maybe this is her

dream after all.

Did not she always

dream of being


Popular

she is 

and she 

feels it   

in 

this scarlet 

letter

that she holds 

close to 

her heart

as her way of

reminding herself

of how 

different 

she is 

from everyone

and 

how delicious

to be the focus

of their gossip.

Is that not the 

cost of 

being famous? 

And so, 

perception

has made her

dream come true

after all.