Allowing ourselves to feel brings healing.

When we stop building up the calluses on our wounds, when we allow them to be filed down to get out infection, when we allow ourselves to feel, and when we can feel even in public, though its polite hold back tears and loud tones; allowing the feeling, yet letting it fade without exasperating it to impropriety, then we are ready to be healed of the bitterness inside--the infection may be aired out and receive the balm of peace.

I am realizing that it is okay to allow myself to feel the tears as I begin to recognize what is causing the pain; recognizing the wound--for now God the Holy Spirit has been filing down the calluses and has reached the skin right above the wound and the next poke brings the air to the wound, and the pain brings strong emotion such as anger or tears and then . . . I feel it.  It is now in public that these wounds are being opened, though it began with taking responsibility for my actions and correlating feelings, and now I am learning to feel the feelings even in public without bursting out in tears, or with screams or in angry faces.  Then, as the feeling eases up, the wound is at last able to heal.  This would explain the intensity of the emotion I feel one at a time;  this means I am on the way to true healing as the bitter root is drained out, and the next emotion is peaceful relief.  

And so in public I feel naked like Adam and Eve, but now the shame is gradually leaving. Now I am getting used to being naked and my hope is that it will release others to undergo the same healing. This is the revival so many of us seek-- the missing piece we are searching for to fill the hole in our hearts that religion and formulas do not heal. Revival has been put in my heart, even when I was not searching for it outwardly, it has now reached me--the healing I gave up on ever receiving has at last found me by an outpouring of the Holy Spirit on me. It is for all of us to allow ourselves to feel inside that the feelings may be released to the air, and balm of peace may be applied. In public we may go to the restroom or a private room if we cannot at first feel the emotion only inside, then we can let it out quietly when necessary through tears, angry faces in the mirror, or whatever we need to lighten our moods--yet it is that feeling we have given up and a burden falls off our shoulders.

Let us seek this healing in its fullness as we open up to the Holy Spirit's calling to us to find the water we need not buy.

No one knows where the wind blows
Even the weather man only gets close.

When the wind blows
we may sniff our nose.

Other times, we just might
wipe that speck
out of our eye.

Do you know when the wind blows
those nearby are all affected.
We feel the storms,
we suffer through the floods.

Sometimes it pulls us
sometimes it pushes.
Sometimes its completely
against our wishes.

Then there's those times
it whispers in our ears.
It may cause us to cry
It may awake our fears.

But then...
out of the blue
it surprises you,
the forecast said rainy
but it turns clear quite quickly.

The thing is, even the weather man
does not quite know.
She may get close,
or it may blow her away.

But no one knows
where the wind blows.

One day this, one day that
who can tell more than one day ahead?
If you can tell which way you will sway,
Please tell me so I can plan my day.

What spews comes out
of the ground found out.
Maybe that geyser
is just a fad,
that one day will
make you mad.

Because when the wind blows
water flows.
It might hurt
It might toss about,
It might open up
another way out.

I prefer the gentle breeze
that blows on a spring day,
a real spring day,
not the summer that comes'
in spring.

Of course sometimes in spring
it rains or pours,
but I still prefer spring,
and the life it brings.

Life awakens in spring,
it puts us in the mood to sing,
flowers grow,
and the birds twitter
all comes in proper order.

Sometimes the wind though
does not stay in order
it brings chaos,
still there is a coolness
that comes with it.

The breeze I cannot get enough of,
the wind can be cozy from indoors
the stronger wind can even be awesome
if you feel safe.

Sometimes its not even about
whether there is a storm,
its just how you feel about it,
that matters the most.

There are times when the danger is real
and our knees shake
but we learn to be strong
if not for ourselves,
then for those around us.

There are times when we feel in danger
when we are not, but still we must be strong
for ourselves, and for others.

Sometimes we feel it in our joints
and such pain can it be
we need to head to corners to squeeze.
now we fall on our knees.

It can affect us so, it affects us all,

Capped part 2

Riding the ship
manning the crew
just like you know how
and you know that you do.

It's easier this time,
as more bells chime,
the feeling is real,
with a lot less slime.

What's going on mate?
Nothing but fate.
It's a bit soon,
but the fish take the bait.

Still it may be just longing
for a kind of belonging,
that may not even fit
but certainly fawning.

Knowing now what to say
Stepping towards the way
experimental for sure
but its a leap towards that day.

Determined to move forward
With nothing lowered
unless its needed
to reach toward.

Those who hear and know
will find it so
nothing stopping,
no hint of woe.

Time will tell the truth
time will give a boost
Timing is the answer
or else it will soothe.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

As its the Chinese new year today, I did just a little research on "year of the monkey."  I came across an article explaining some history of the "Monkey" deity.  One of the sayings connected to this deity is "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil."  This saying has negative and positive connotations depending on how you hear it.

Knowing that this phrase "See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" means different things to different people, I suggest a positive meaning for myself and those like me who struggle with self conscious feelings and beliefs that people are constantly judging our actions.  Some of us have a hidden "audience" inside our heads that can even carry out to an outer "audience" where bits of things heard from others become whole phrases of indictment against us.

See no evil---

Not seeing.  Blind.  "Seeing" evil refers to our own tendencies to "see"  the bad in others--this tempting us to criticize, judge, and gossip.  I for one have been guilty of relishing juicy bits of gossip--it gives me a feeling of pride because of course I "am not like that" and so and so deserves this or that.  "Seeing no evil" means that we are blind to the faults of others.  If we notice we graciously do not hold it against them.  Ever heard the phrase, "Love is blind?"

Hear no evil--

This phrase is not just about refusing to listen to gossip, its also about not "hearing" others gossip about us.  This has special meaning to me this new year, because last year I became aware that my brain desired to hear words of rejection and disapproval all the time--and often it would finish bits and pieces of sentences I heard  as negative about me.  If I was feeling positive, I heard a lot of enthusiasm from others (about me I thought).  Those days my actions and words were confident. Sometimes negative words also motivated me to be better and "prove them wrong."  By the end of the year and after much discussion with my husband and self observation, I realized my brain was making most if not all of it up.    Then again even if some of the words and rumors are real, it is not worth my wasting energy on it or taking words said personally.  Remember the scriptures that say, Love is "believing the best?"

Speak no evil--

Some of us are passive-aggressive in our anger...  I myself also have this tendency.  Passivity in our aggression means that we hold grudges in our heart about past grievances that resurface in current arguments but especially it shows up in our conversations with others.  We say bad things about the other, even subtly, out of bitterness.  "Speak no evil" means we check ourselves before throwing bad light on the other in public or with our friends and acquaintances.  It also means recognizing that bitterness and having an honest, enlightening conversation with the other, and avoiding the blame game.  The proverbial saying here is "Love is not provoked" and "love keeps no record of wrongs."

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Happy Chinese New Year!

A journal entry of muses on a shifting identity

If I am a writer, why is my mind so blank?  Why do I not write every day or even keep up weekly?  Many have said I am great with words and I do have a book to write in mind.  In fact, that would be my main project, if I could just keep up.

There is so much on my plate...

Finally the realization has hit...  that career is not so important, even a writing one-- nor am I anywhere close to such.

Still there is a message to get out, a book to write.

Thinking I could make money, distractions have arisen--such as trying to fit writing to pay.
Yet after trying one, even that has failed to motivate me to continue...

Maybe if there was not so much to do...

Now with a new baby, the reminder has come--primarily, I am a mom and a house wife,
even though I do have a day job...

then that has always been secondary, except as a way to improve the self through such good values as the workplace teaches, especially one working with people... you begin to see where you are lacking-- eyes opening to those things that have affected interactions with others for decades.

I don't know why I was blind to it so long, except that I had been so wrapped up in self needs and emotions, only seeing inside,unable to see others struggles--not saying thats good or bad.  It was time to heal.

Its still a process.  Sometimes I don't get it or others.  Sometimes I do what people want only to find out they didn't want it.  Still this happens to the best of us.  I've learned to give out grace freely to others and to myself.  Sometimes every bible character is like me... or I feel like it... if you know even Jesus' lineage, you know what I mean.

Anyhow, now mom of 2...

Now learning to hold the bottle with my chin, typing with one finger. It does give me more time to think as I type.

Figuring I better clean the minute I can and not skip a day especially in the kitchen, making sure we do not run out of bottles or counter space or sink space.

Also consciously I must spend time with my 3 year old daughter and keep up with her training, lessening tantrums and regression-- this is the hardest.

Balancing sleep and feeding duties, grateful for hubby's help-- I need to make sure we both get enough sleep.

And so I have come to realize family is my first and greatest priority, and writing is a hobby not a career aspiration for now...

However as a hobby I intend to improve and excel in it and find my niche.  Besides I am getting better at typing with one finger.

And yet although writing is what I am best at now, there are quite a few things I would like to try.

As family is my priority, crafting and art is a great area to dabble in with my three year old.

Writing I can do while holding my infant son, crafting and art for quality time with my daughter.

And so that is why my identity has shifted from career mom who tries to keep family and house in mind to hobby mom and intentional improvement and ownership of household--upkeep and family.

Now I do not look towards moving up in any career only content to stay at a day job that I do enjoy but will not stress myself to move upward--also currently to do so would only be detrimental, as I am more blessed as I am.   

That's where I'm at now and content in this identity.

Still I will be exploring career type stuff with the ultimate goal to learn skills for promoting a product/s of my own that could become lucrative, but that is currently on hold.

Those who care to pray may pray I get used to the work life balance as I go back to work next week after maternity leave,

Thank you and be blessed!



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