Capped
When down under
with the plunder
buried 'neath the ground,
Is it a wonder
that those who blunder
would keep one without sound?
Without one whistling wit
Keeping on with out fit
Nothing to be found
ground to the bit
walking the spit
Our eyes wander 'round.
Ahoy mate, who are you
with feet tied, how do you do?
what's that? do you gag?
You have to use the loo?
Spit that out, "poo"
Lift out of that sag.
Strengthen those knees,
utter those pleas
One above will hear.
even if you have fleas
take the day, seize
the help is near.
Spring up out of the sod,
Courage as of the god
Growing strong steady on
though the night going odd
and sensing the fraud,
faithfully meeting the dawn.
Yes some find fodder
where offered water
but keep peace and hold,
because as the blotter
erasing its spotter,
the poet is bold.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Friday, April 24, 2015
The glasses are rose tinted again
Perspective . . . It changes everything.
One day is cloudy, one is sunny.
One is sad, or one is glad.
One is filled with hurt,
One has the warm fuzzies.
One day, I had a nightmare come true. And a living nightmare it was because it was all in my mind. Very little of it was true though it was related to what I heard. I thought I heard people conspiring against me. Whether they were trying to get ahead on the job, or win a contest that never seemed to end, I did not know. Yet the thought got so big in my head, I began feeling my life was in danger--that whatever "they" were after, it was worth killing for. At least that day, I felt I had a friend helping me out, although at times I thought he was playing double agent--saying things that he wanted me to do without letting on to the "other" that he felt I should do that. Even now I feel he may have really been trying to help me out sensing I needed it that day. That was not the scariest part though.
The scariest part was when I started thinking that some people could read my mind, and I theirs. Not only that but I thought some bad characters could also read my mind and I could not figure who was bad or good. So then I tried to change my thoughts to distract and confuse them.
Looking back on that day, I am amazed! I mean I rang up people that whole time maintaining a pretty straight face, though I probably coughed at odd moments. I even managed a very complicated return with a difficult lady who was very particular about 30 cents and seemed surprised that she did not get more back. Then she wanted to fix another item with a price difference of about 20 cents. I went and checked the price--my one mistake--and then did the return for her. At the end she still questioned me, and I showed her each part of it and how accurate it was. Finally I got a bit brisk at the end, but she left as satisfied as I could get her.
Actually that ordeal helped me to concentrate and kept my mind off of my strange thoughts. Still, I am quite amazed at myself. I do not think many customers even knew I was anything but tired or sick. I still do not know how much was evident to my coworkers.
However I thought this line of thinking had passed from me when I got home that day, and I slept all night in peace and got up to go to work Saturday morning feeling fine. However I got triggered again that morning and had many strange thoughts both at work and then at home even about my family and God.
Thankfully my psychiatrist appointment was Monday--divine timing. Then the next weekend my husband was troubled about my high emotions, and we called about a med adjustment, and ever since then I feel positive and great. Anxiety creeps in still but I am noticing it more, and that is in part due to my dear husband, Matthew. I am so blessed to have him in my life--we've made it through a lot of stuff already in 5 years of marriage, and I am happy to say we are still in love.
See, now my glasses are once again rose tinted. Now if it gets dark again, may I remind myself of the difference pure eyesight makes, and realize that some things plain just do not matter.
One more side note: I do hate it when my emotions are blamed on medication side effects and my illness, however it has become clear that the right medicine taken in the best way really optimizes mental and emotional health. I do still have to decide to let things go though for my own sake, and I still must choose what to do when I feel anxiety rising. Medicine does help, and it helps my judgment in making those decisions, but it does not solve every issue and emotional baggage automatically, yet its evident that medicine of the right sort still works miracles. Its taken me a difficult year and a half to realize first that I had to change my medicine and then to get the right adjustment of dosage. I feel I finally have the right psychiatrist and medicine dosage.
One day is cloudy, one is sunny.
One is sad, or one is glad.
One is filled with hurt,
One has the warm fuzzies.
One day, I had a nightmare come true. And a living nightmare it was because it was all in my mind. Very little of it was true though it was related to what I heard. I thought I heard people conspiring against me. Whether they were trying to get ahead on the job, or win a contest that never seemed to end, I did not know. Yet the thought got so big in my head, I began feeling my life was in danger--that whatever "they" were after, it was worth killing for. At least that day, I felt I had a friend helping me out, although at times I thought he was playing double agent--saying things that he wanted me to do without letting on to the "other" that he felt I should do that. Even now I feel he may have really been trying to help me out sensing I needed it that day. That was not the scariest part though.
The scariest part was when I started thinking that some people could read my mind, and I theirs. Not only that but I thought some bad characters could also read my mind and I could not figure who was bad or good. So then I tried to change my thoughts to distract and confuse them.
Looking back on that day, I am amazed! I mean I rang up people that whole time maintaining a pretty straight face, though I probably coughed at odd moments. I even managed a very complicated return with a difficult lady who was very particular about 30 cents and seemed surprised that she did not get more back. Then she wanted to fix another item with a price difference of about 20 cents. I went and checked the price--my one mistake--and then did the return for her. At the end she still questioned me, and I showed her each part of it and how accurate it was. Finally I got a bit brisk at the end, but she left as satisfied as I could get her.
Actually that ordeal helped me to concentrate and kept my mind off of my strange thoughts. Still, I am quite amazed at myself. I do not think many customers even knew I was anything but tired or sick. I still do not know how much was evident to my coworkers.
However I thought this line of thinking had passed from me when I got home that day, and I slept all night in peace and got up to go to work Saturday morning feeling fine. However I got triggered again that morning and had many strange thoughts both at work and then at home even about my family and God.
Thankfully my psychiatrist appointment was Monday--divine timing. Then the next weekend my husband was troubled about my high emotions, and we called about a med adjustment, and ever since then I feel positive and great. Anxiety creeps in still but I am noticing it more, and that is in part due to my dear husband, Matthew. I am so blessed to have him in my life--we've made it through a lot of stuff already in 5 years of marriage, and I am happy to say we are still in love.
See, now my glasses are once again rose tinted. Now if it gets dark again, may I remind myself of the difference pure eyesight makes, and realize that some things plain just do not matter.
One more side note: I do hate it when my emotions are blamed on medication side effects and my illness, however it has become clear that the right medicine taken in the best way really optimizes mental and emotional health. I do still have to decide to let things go though for my own sake, and I still must choose what to do when I feel anxiety rising. Medicine does help, and it helps my judgment in making those decisions, but it does not solve every issue and emotional baggage automatically, yet its evident that medicine of the right sort still works miracles. Its taken me a difficult year and a half to realize first that I had to change my medicine and then to get the right adjustment of dosage. I feel I finally have the right psychiatrist and medicine dosage.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Lonely
Lonely
Friends turned enemies in my mind
Now hidden I must keep them blind
Finding out to them life is a game
Perhaps money is to blame
Much I admit could be pretend
Such is hard to comprehend
Still very real in my head
Makes me feel a bit unfed.
It feels like hatred from this side
For I opened my heart so wide
Only to get it stomped to the ground
Again, as the hands on the clock go 'round.
Why...
The world used to be peachy and clean
now its nothing but a mean machine
with everyone waiting for me to fall
so they can skitter in to claim all.
Maybe if I slow down the daily grind
stop priding myself in my focused mind
and laugh along with everyone else
at the silly tales we tell ourselves.
Yes I need to try not to try
but still work on the fly
but not so hard anymore
'cuz that's what friends are for.
Yet such pandering makes no sense
especially in proclaimed innocence
my aim is not to put to shame
but make up for the times I am blamed.
What I find hard to understand
Is that all but me know what is planned
I am told one thing but its not adding up
They all conspire to get me flupped.
Now at last its time to find friends
of a different sort so I'll turn the bend
to face a different kind of day
with those I find to laugh and play.
So God of Texas hear my cry
I'll do my part now, at least I'll try
To find those of an uplifting sort
who need not compete to raise the fort.
Friends turned enemies in my mind
Now hidden I must keep them blind
Finding out to them life is a game
Perhaps money is to blame
Much I admit could be pretend
Such is hard to comprehend
Still very real in my head
Makes me feel a bit unfed.
It feels like hatred from this side
For I opened my heart so wide
Only to get it stomped to the ground
Again, as the hands on the clock go 'round.
Why...
The world used to be peachy and clean
now its nothing but a mean machine
with everyone waiting for me to fall
so they can skitter in to claim all.
Maybe if I slow down the daily grind
stop priding myself in my focused mind
and laugh along with everyone else
at the silly tales we tell ourselves.
Yes I need to try not to try
but still work on the fly
but not so hard anymore
'cuz that's what friends are for.
Yet such pandering makes no sense
especially in proclaimed innocence
my aim is not to put to shame
but make up for the times I am blamed.
What I find hard to understand
Is that all but me know what is planned
I am told one thing but its not adding up
They all conspire to get me flupped.
Now at last its time to find friends
of a different sort so I'll turn the bend
to face a different kind of day
with those I find to laugh and play.
So God of Texas hear my cry
I'll do my part now, at least I'll try
To find those of an uplifting sort
who need not compete to raise the fort.
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