I recently read an article about the brain. It said that our brain is all about networks. All our ideas are connected to each other, the neurons interact with one another. There are different types of networks. One, I think, is the network that helps us concentrate and focus on one thing. But the network this article talked about is the default network. The default network is basically the network of what the brain thinks about when the person is thinking about nothing in particular. Basically, when a person is at rest and his or her mind wanders. I think that what your mind wanders to says a lot about where you are at in life and in your healing.
I have noticed that my default network has recently been about my future path--namely Teach for America, which will help me finally get into teaching. In my default network, I have written (not literally), a letter to my former teacher who discouraged me from pursuing teaching after I failed a clinical in college. This letter in my mind was a bit of inner healing as I discharged some anger and hurt towards how she responded towards me. I actually spoke it like I was talking to her on the phone and I put my earpiece in so everyone could think I was on the phone. HAHA.
I was in a public place but I could have raised my voice and I felt tears rising in my heart, so I had to quit. But I feel I made some progress--yes, it is possible to do this stuff in public... Sometimes the default leads me to inner healing stuff in public like that, so I just flow with it (Carefully).
The other default I keep having is this guy who I have not been sure if I like as a friend, brother, or more. That default has helped me to realize that I don't have to figure it all out now, but just go with the flow. I also thought of what my friend Sharon said about her relationship--she's engaged. She said that at first she was just open to a few dates, and she took awhile to actually become his girlfriend. then it took awhile to realize she seriously could consider him for her. She dated for two and a half years before becoming engaged this past March.
I think thats how it is going to be for me--which is much better from my previous record of jumping right into a relationship only to say just kidding a few months later.
I really don't want to do that with this guy, though I can't help feeling like it could really go somewhere. But I'm willing to take it slow and be in it for the long haul if thats what it comes to, that is.
Then, here's the other question I've had about him--Is he really just the default guy? The guy whose interested in me, and I want a relationship so bad? Maybe it was that way at first, but I don't think it is now. See, now I'm not anxious for a relationship... and I proved that by not dating him right away when I could have. I don't just want a relationship. I want to have fun with friends. I want to have fun with my friend--who I think is incredibly funny and interesting.
Anyways, those are my two main defaults, so when I'm with the right people, I may talk about it a lot. Of course with some people, when they ask me what's going on, and thats what I think of, I may give a noncommittal response such as "life..." like I did to one person I can think of right now. Besides I certainly don't want everyone to know what goes on in this head of mine. I know I'm safe here, because no one reads my blog, except the people I am going to invite to read it.
I feel that my default has changed a lot. It has gone from negative and anxious, to positive and hopeful. Now when I think about things, and plan scenarios in my mind--yes I still do that, and maybe its natural. But now my scenarios are not about the past, but about the future. And they are not about preventing rejection, they are just about me doing a good job and presenting the face I want to present. (Ok maybe sometimes, its still about preventing rejection), but all in all my mindsets have become a lot more healthy. THANKS BE TO GOD. I pray that everyone comes to more positive mindsets, and grows phenomenenly. I pray for that especially for everyone at Harvest Rock and in Remnant, and especially for those in my discipleship group. I also pray that for the guys to become strong men of the kind God wants them to be, and for the women to all be women of wonder. I pray that we all in remnant can be family--brothers, sisters, and the older ones, mothers and fathers. And I pray that any dating and breaking up that goes on in remnant, or anything like that would not break up our unity of spirit and sense of family... and that love would be abundant and judgment would be nil.
Well I wrote quite a bit on default about my defaults. Blessings!
