Mind: the default setting.

I recently read an article about the brain. It said that our brain is all about networks. All our ideas are connected to each other, the neurons interact with one another. There are different types of networks. One, I think, is the network that helps us concentrate and focus on one thing. But the network this article talked about is the default network. The default network is basically the network of what the brain thinks about when the person is thinking about nothing in particular. Basically, when a person is at rest and his or her mind wanders. I think that what your mind wanders to says a lot about where you are at in life and in your healing.

I have noticed that my default network has recently been about my future path--namely Teach for America, which will help me finally get into teaching. In my default network, I have written (not literally), a letter to my former teacher who discouraged me from pursuing teaching after I failed a clinical in college. This letter in my mind was a bit of inner healing as I discharged some anger and hurt towards how she responded towards me. I actually spoke it like I was talking to her on the phone and I put my earpiece in so everyone could think I was on the phone. HAHA.

I was in a public place but I could have raised my voice and I felt tears rising in my heart, so I had to quit. But I feel I made some progress--yes, it is possible to do this stuff in public... Sometimes the default leads me to inner healing stuff in public like that, so I just flow with it (Carefully).

The other default I keep having is this guy who I have not been sure if I like as a friend, brother, or more. That default has helped me to realize that I don't have to figure it all out now, but just go with the flow. I also thought of what my friend Sharon said about her relationship--she's engaged. She said that at first she was just open to a few dates, and she took awhile to actually become his girlfriend. then it took awhile to realize she seriously could consider him for her. She dated for two and a half years before becoming engaged this past March.
I think thats how it is going to be for me--which is much better from my previous record of jumping right into a relationship only to say just kidding a few months later.

I really don't want to do that with this guy, though I can't help feeling like it could really go somewhere. But I'm willing to take it slow and be in it for the long haul if thats what it comes to, that is.

Then, here's the other question I've had about him--Is he really just the default guy? The guy whose interested in me, and I want a relationship so bad? Maybe it was that way at first, but I don't think it is now. See, now I'm not anxious for a relationship... and I proved that by not dating him right away when I could have. I don't just want a relationship. I want to have fun with friends. I want to have fun with my friend--who I think is incredibly funny and interesting.

Anyways, those are my two main defaults, so when I'm with the right people, I may talk about it a lot. Of course with some people, when they ask me what's going on, and thats what I think of, I may give a noncommittal response such as "life..." like I did to one person I can think of right now. Besides I certainly don't want everyone to know what goes on in this head of mine. I know I'm safe here, because no one reads my blog, except the people I am going to invite to read it.

I feel that my default has changed a lot. It has gone from negative and anxious, to positive and hopeful. Now when I think about things, and plan scenarios in my mind--yes I still do that, and maybe its natural. But now my scenarios are not about the past, but about the future. And they are not about preventing rejection, they are just about me doing a good job and presenting the face I want to present. (Ok maybe sometimes, its still about preventing rejection), but all in all my mindsets have become a lot more healthy. THANKS BE TO GOD. I pray that everyone comes to more positive mindsets, and grows phenomenenly. I pray for that especially for everyone at Harvest Rock and in Remnant, and especially for those in my discipleship group. I also pray that for the guys to become strong men of the kind God wants them to be, and for the women to all be women of wonder. I pray that we all in remnant can be family--brothers, sisters, and the older ones, mothers and fathers. And I pray that any dating and breaking up that goes on in remnant, or anything like that would not break up our unity of spirit and sense of family... and that love would be abundant and judgment would be nil.

Well I wrote quite a bit on default about my defaults. Blessings!

Story time:

Yet another use for this blog...

Hey there, girl, where ya going?

(Humph. These people have no decency. Don’t they know when something’s none of their business?)

Nowhere.

Haha, yeah sometimes it feels like I'm going nowhere too, if ya know what I mean...

No I don't, now if you'll excuse me...

(Sometimes people need a little hint not to bother you).

Oh sorry, didn't mean to bother you.

(Yeah, they got the hint, now will they take it?)

It's just that you seem a little lost.

(Oh I know what I seem...and its not just lost).

Well, I'm not. Now I really need to get going so excuse me.

Ok ok. Be careful, ok?

(Be careful.... now those are familiar words. He means it a little differently than momma though).

And so another adventure for Sally Ann begins.

The abstract: Sally Ann comes from a middle class family who lives in a small town in Kansas. Her family is so proud of her when she begins working at 16 and saves up money for college. Her parents put some money in the bank for her. They give her lots of information on some of their favorite colleges, such as Kansas State, Trinity Bible College, and Central Bible College. So they are shocked to learn she is looking at schools in Minneapolis, New York, and Los Angeles. In fact, they are adamant that she stay away from those big cities. They expound on the terrors of big city life. Sally Ann listens carefully, but with hidden motives. She agrees to look into Kansas State and Trinity. Then when she graduates highschool, she suddenly disappears with her savings. So begins the adventures of Sally Ann.

What does it mean to walk in the light? Part 1

What does it mean to walk in the light? This can imply a knowing of some kind, an enlightening if you will. The opposite of light is darkness of course. Darkness implies ignorance. Is walking in the light, merely knowing then? And what is it knowing? Many of my readers will already have notions of what it means to walk in the light. One cannot be a Christian without attributing light to Christ. Our answer would then be that walking in the light means knowing Christ. But is it merely that?

Others may think of enlightenment. All this still implies a knowledge that is special because some do not have it. If we say we walk in light, then we imply that some walk in darkness. If we think we walk in light, does that mean we are special? We are in the sense that we are different from others if we truly walk in light that is. If we walk in light and have special knowledge though, should we keep silent? Hmmm.... Maybe sometimes silence seems more kind. We don't want others to feel that we think we are better than them. We don't want them to think that we think they are ignorant. And yet... if our knowledge is of the nature that it would save someone's life, perhaps we should share it. If our knowledge will cure cancer, should we not share? Oh but there is the issue of credibility... Who will believe you if you meet a cancer patient on the street and tell them... Oh listen, I have special knowledge. I have the cure for cancer...
But this patient doesn't have a clue if you are a doctor or a researcher. This patient doesn't know if you are even what you claim to be. If you were their doctor, that would be another story. If they knew you, they might listen. That is... if they knew you really had the background to make such a claim.

Humm. What does this tell Christians about sharing their faith? Does this mean we need a preaching licence or a degree from seminary to share that we have life changing information in our hands that we would like to share? I mean what if Joe Blow really did have the cure for cancer? Should he keep silent since he has no credibility, perhaps hes not even a doctor or researcher? But just maybe He knows someone who has found a cure....someone who has the cure for cancer. Yet people just don't know about Him, and He is not a conventional doctor. Yet Joe Blow knows the cure works, because he was healed. Now wait a minute! Joe Blow was cured of cancer? This is something others with cancer would want to know! Should Joe Blow keep silent about his cure... about the evidence that a cure exists! What if He is afraid that people will not believe him? After all, many of the world's doctors and researchers do not acknowledge that such a cure exists! He may be afraid they won't believe him, but here he is, a living example!

OH... What if Joe Blow tries to tell about the cure itself but he never talks about how the cure works for him and how it has affected his life? Will people want the cure? Will they feel its worth the effort? Maybe the cure seems to hard to recieve. People may just figure its better to live with the illness.

Maybe Joe Blow is a little nervous about how he will be recieved, and it is easier for him to say nothing since everyone seems happy as they are. Maybe he is afraid that someone will try to convince him that he is not really cured, that he was fine before the cure, that nothiing was really ever wrong. Maybe he is afraid they will point out that he is just as healthy as they are. After all he still has weaknesses in his thoughts and his feelings as they do. He still messes up sometimes. Or maybe they will say that his diet from "fun" has not made him more healthy after all. Then what will he say??? What can he say???

You tell me! More to come... Let me have your comments :)

What this blog will be from now on...

Yes, I am coming back to this blog. I like myspace but it does have its downside. For one thing, I do not want my myspace to be for public viewers. It just has too much information about me in it. For writing blogs of a personal nature, I will probably continue to use myspace. I decided though that I would like a blog where I could log my more scholarly thoughts as I take classes. I saw one persons blog that inspired me in that way. I sometimes enjoy writing book reviews for future reference and I think the internet is a good way to store thoughts. I will be shortly adding to this blog a few book reviews that I have already written and any new thoughts I have. I would still welcome comments. I have a feeling this will be a great place to indulge the intellectual part of me. For yes, I do enjoy learning. I enjoy reading the texts Fuller Seminary has chosen for me and I would love to narrate my thoughts on such texts as well as other texts I may read for fun. I would also like to use this blog to philosophize about God and spirituality and also share what God is teaching me. I may do this at times on myspace, but I am devoting only these mentioned things to this blog from now on. I hope I will have readers with comments of course :)

Papua New Guinea Trip: A Cultural Experience

What a trip I had at Papua New Guinea. I learned so much at their campus in Goroka about the way New Tribes Mission does ministry. We got to learn the trade language of tok pisin which is melanasion pidgin English. Each day we went up to the village to practice and to develop relationships and learn the culture of the Bena tribe.

One time we all had a meal together ( a mumu) that the people cooked in a hole in the ground on hot rocks.  We did this on the island of Solong too where the men caught a wild pig as we watched.  Both times we sat and chatted with the ladies and children while we helped cut veggies and waited for the meal to cook.  I loved this great time of language and cultural learning.

Sometimes when we visited, the women and children would sit on the ground with us and sew hand bags and other knit type stuff.  One lady gave me a purse she knitted that I still love to use.  

 My favorite part of our trip was a visit the Solong people on an island in New Britain. It was one of NTM's church plant. The people greeted us with flower leis and singing. We were able to walk on this mile long island by ourselves and visit with the people using tok pisin.

 My favorite event was the mumu, which is a feast specially prepared. We spent all day preparing the food--peeling kaukau (sweet potato), grating tapioc, scraping coconut, drinking coconut milk, etc. We watched the boys catch and kill the pig.

 The best part was spending time with the people. This was a village wide feast and boy it was good. We also had a time of worship afterwards and sang English while the Solong people sang some songs in Solong. Afterwards we danced outside and sang father Abraham with everyone! What a time we had! Well it was lovely.

The experience I had at Papua New Guinea was awesome.  It was different from other mission trips I'd taken in that it was more of a cultural and language experience since New Tribes Mission had leaders who did the evangelism, and that was not the focus of our group.  Even though that part was a surprise for me, I was glad for a different kind of trip where I could really put to practice language acquisition skills I had learned at Fuller Seminary.

Be on the lookout for more blogs on previous and current trips and experiences!

Immigration films from great minds

I went to a film festival put on by youth. They are given the opportunity to learn filming and then create their own. I don't know if it was the theme--I think it was--but all the films were on the immigration issues going on now. The first one I saw really made me think, even though it was not one of the best films. A better one along the same lines had a similar theme. It spoke of the American Dream, and how immigrants come here to find a better life. Sometimes their life here does not seem so good, but they stay hoping for better things for their children at least. They work in jobs that the "more priviledged" will not work. They work for less and they work hard. Then when they are not legal residents, matters are more complicated. They may be sent back to their countries. Who are we to say that they don't have a right to be here? Mexicans for instance. We stole land from them--California itself used to be Mexican property, correct me if I am wrong. I know the issue is complex, and I see both sides even though I have limited knowledge. I know if we just let everyone in, we might get much more than we can handle. (though I am not sure what that would be). One of the youth got really brave in describing her view. She said that she is Japanese and her parents are legal and they work hard. If I understood her right she felt angry because she felt her family earned their right to be there and if other immigrants would do the same, they would get what they need as well. I admire her courage to put her view on the screen. I thought it was a healthy way to deal with anger. I wonder how many other legal immigrants feel about the illegal ones.

I was able to meet one of the youth before the viewing. We asked her about her film, and she said she just filmed a lot and pieced it together and said, "I am just a beginner." As it turned out her film won first place and she recieved a fancy video camera. She said she spent a month on it, and if she didn't like something she would take it out and film more. I am glad I got to talk to her.

I also talked to a man who knows a lot about the immigration issue. He spoke of the racist undercurrents that are still around. He mentioned one radio program in particular that bashes immigrants. There's free speech for you. (I have not listened to it, yet, and I need to find out what station again if I can).

I hope you readers enjoyed reading my reflections, this is partly my homework. Surprize!. Comments are welcome. Please rebuke, reflect, agree, or respond anyway you want. Or just forget it if you don't want to make the effort :)

We need our amagoolas tickeled. Amagoola= part of the brain that controls emotions (If I remember correctly). I found out recently that if I need a good laugh I can watch my friend's FRIENDS collection. I think I need that about now. Then I can forget for awhile that these next few weeks are going to be filled with acedamia. I don't know why I am taking the time to write for a blog that never gets read. Hint,hint. I have to say I am making progress--one bookreport down. Well, time to get busy again.

Busy work.

Well, I am going to have to get very busy soon. I have been keeping up with the reading thats due, but none of the extra reading (about 600 pages per class). If I don't get on it I will be setting myself up to get a panic attack--just kidding its not that serious. Seriously though it will be next to impossible to finish everything if I don't get a move on. Next week I have two weeks off work because of my intensive, and I only work two days this week. So if I plan it right... I should be able to get on the ball. I could see it as an 8 hour work day turned into an 8 hour study day... Maybe go to the library. Somehow it will come together--I am not worried... Have a good night everyone, or day, depending on when or if you are reading this.

What's up with me...

Work and Homework... need I say more. But I am having fun with friends too--balance is key. My new goal is to get up early--no more ten hours of sleep a day--and then take a walk up the mountain to wake me up. So I will try to get just eight hours of sleep a day, because I do need at least that much. Soon and very soon I am going on that trip to Papua New Guinea about which I am very excited about. However I am even more excited about another soon thing... Soon and very soon we are going to see the King! Do any of you remember that old chorus? I miss old songs. Now most churches are doing so many new songs, the old songs get forgotten. May I be so much heavenly minded that I am oodles of wordly good! I am going to be very busy because I have not been reading two hours a day like I need to as another good friend pointed out. So six hours a day for a while might catch me up on the days I can do that, right? Well good night everyone.

Bombarded!!

Since I moved here to California, my world is being rocked. First, I learned independence. Now I am learning about the great need here. Currently I work with International Students as their friend, conversation partner, and teacher. However I want to get involved in a ministry to children again. I want to do more than teach children's church, I want to get involved in the community. I want to get involved in this city--this great mission field. However, the minute I think I know what I want to do, something else strikes me and I want to do that. BUT THE NEED IS NOT THE CALL> What am I called to? I don't know if I will even know what I am called to until I try a few things. So that is what I want to do!!! But Where do I start? I am thinking about taking a trip to the dream center--I was disappointed that my class did not do that on our outing as was originally mentioned. I see the need and I want to help. Actually there is so much that I still have not seen since being here--. I want to do some participant observation (see Spradley's book with that title) Maybe get involved with a school some how. I just have to find the right one, the right way at the right time. I know God is placing this desire in me, because He has a plan. YES He has a plan for me to get involved in a specific ministry right here in LA, and I don't think I have found it yet, although I do enjoy and want to continue my work with International Students. I know I have some skills not being used right now, not realized yet, because I haven't had the opportunity to practice them, to hone them, to develop them. It is really interesting that I am taking this intro to urban mission class the quarter before I am getting ready to go learn how to evangelize tribal peoples. Tribes and the city don't seem to go together. However tribes are rapidly being pushed out and displaced by urban life, if I understand it correctly. At least it has happened some places. Anyways I just saw a film called Twilight which I am preparing to write a reflection on. It is about the civil unrest that erupted in LA in 1992. One lady acted as each character that she had earlier interviewed, and spoke in their words their accounts of the events and their opinions. I have only just heard about it, so I was really dismayed by what I saw. As I watched it I felt bombarded with the feelings of the people involved--their anger, hurt, shame, violent reactions, and strong opinions. Anyways, I have bombarded any readers of this blog with a lot of thoughts. (THAT IS IF ANYONE READS IT). Anyways, I welcome any comments. Good night.

Cultivating prayer--and a prayer for you.

Dear friends, today I recieved an email with the prayer of St. Theresa. It gave me the idea that I could send out my own prayer along with hers in the forward. I believe prayer is very important and that it makes a difference. I am trying to cultivate a life of prayer. Sometimes I fold my hands wherever I am almost as a prayer in itself. It helps me to think of it as a prayer about the details that fill my head while I am trying to listen to lectures. Then I can let go of my worries and let the Spirit pray while I listen to the class. I even sometimes consider my doodles as prayers but I don't worry about the meaning. It feels like a way the Spirit prays through me, for He knows the mind of God. So here is a prayer for you: Dear Lord, I pray for my friends and any readers of this blog. Encourage their hearts. Create in them more hunger for you and then satisfy them Lord. Help them to know what a special and unique person they are. Help them live the life they were created for--to give glory to You. Lord whisper to them Your words of life, grace, truth, and love. Help them to hear. God You are so good, glorify Your name. AMEN. Do not forget that God loves you!!!

Skills, Me?

Yes, me. In class today we got together in small groups and among other things we were supposed to tell each other our skills. I have trouble speaking on the spot as it is, so when it came to me all I said is "I really don't know what skills I have. I am still trying to figure it out."
For a major portion of the day since then, I have been trying to analyze myself more. I know I am an INFP, but I am just not sure I know enough about myself. I have difficulty answering those questions personality evaluations and other evaluations give. I have been thinking that I really would like to either find some skills or learn some skills. And the more I think about it, the more I know I have a lot to offer. For the same class I have been reading the book, Primal Leadership, and when I read about EI (Emotional Intelligence) in the appendix, and started the book, I said to myself--yes, I really can be a leader. I really can be enthusiastic and encouraging. I know I can grow in EI and I do need to. As I read about how emotions spread to others, I thought about how important it is for me to bring positive emotions with me rather than negativity. I think it will help me to be positive and feel good about myself if I spend a few minutes before my day to consecrate it to God and let Him encourage my spirit. If I get up on the third time my alarm goes off, instead of the fourth time, I can give God ten minutes before I start my day. Well, I am going to try--. Good night everyone.

Back to school!

Back to the books! Oh yes the good times I will have tinking around all day and staying up all night to finish the papers that I can never seem to work enough ahead on. Study, study, study. I do manage to have time for fun, somewhat. Like blogging, emailing, talking on the phone, like hanging out with international students every Saturday. What I want to do more this quarter is hike!!! I want to check out some new trails on the mountains near me. It looks like I will have to work hard this quarter, so I will just have to make sure I do have a life outside of school. So help me out bloggers! How can I have a more exciting life and still do well in school???

Sharing my thoughts with the world!

This is my first time blogging but I think it will be fun. I love to journal. This will be a great way to share some thoughts with the world. I used to write in my journal as if others were reading it. In two different journals I even went through the ABCs of becoming a Christian. You know, Admit your a sinner, Believe Christ died on the cross, and Confess your sins. I have preached sermons on those in my journals. Once I wrote inside the cover of my journal, if you find this return it to such and such an address, and do not read. Later I changed it to--please do read! In it are lessons learned and growth experienced--or something like that. Even though I love to journal it comes in spurts. I have several journals that I wrote in at one time--one contains a decade worth of my life, another almost that, and another--my first little diary--still has entries!!! I lost it for awhile and then just used my other journals because they allowed more space to write. Anyways, I think I will really enjoy this blogging and reading others. I hope my blogging proves interesting to others and maybe enlightening to my friends and acquaintances who may not get the same side of me from plain conversation or face to face encounters. Here after all, I feel safer to take off the veil. For some reason, it is in writing that the wall blocking the easy flow of my conversations dissloves. So have fun everyone, and feel free to comment!